Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you had a wonderful holiday with lots of family, food and happiness!
One of my favorite yoga instructors says, "Gratitude is the antidote for perfectionism." Whatever remedy exists for perfectionism, I can certainly use it. I have high goals and expectations for myself and my future. While that kind of internal drive is a gift I'll cherish forever, it can also get me into trouble because when does our life ever actually look like what we think it will. The cure for the common cold known as negative thinking is gratitude.
Once on the fifth day of a six-day film shoot, I hit a wall. It was long hours, lots of pressure and my character was so high energy I was essentially the energizer bunny doped up on coffee and sugar pills. An hour or two into the day I realized something was off. There were no complaints from the director, but I felt it. I wasn't doing my job the way I knew I could do it. I wasn't bringing the energy, the charm, the funny. It all felt forced and so NOT what I wanted to do. That realization opened the door to a very intense, unshakable fear. Where was my mojo? Why was I now so insecure? Why had what was so effortless in the previous four days now seemed forced and phony? I just felt out of the rhythm of my own instrument.
I was able to hang on till lunch and fortunately the scenes that morning weren't really mine, so the film didn't suffer. But on my break I snuck out of the trailer to a nearby park and took a few moments to clear my brain. It was up to me to let it go, whatever it was. I sat for a few minutes to breathe through the fear and let it go. I started meditating on everything I was grateful for... There in the park, speaking softly to myself (like a total actress weirdo), I literally started listing things, however insignificant they seemed:
Thank you healthy lungs for keeping me alive and thank you crisp air so that I may fill my breath.
Thank you strong legs for literally carrying me through my life every day to this day.
Thank you heart for beating non-stop, without fail for the last twenty-something years.
Thank you craft services for having a vegetarian option.
Thank you coffee for being on nearly every corner so that I may never have to go without your sweet bitterness.
Thank you wind for blowing my hair into my lip gloss to remind me that there are many things out of my control and to not take myself too seriously.
Thank you yoga for keeping my mind sane, and my body in shape so that I can feel comfortable shooting in Daisy Dukes and a bikini top.
Thank you movie for getting funding so that I am able to just be here, doing that which I love beyond words.
...
After twenty minutes of light yoga and drafting a mental checklist of everything -- even the sarcastic and comical -- for which I am grateful, I could no longer remember what had triggered the mental spiral I had been in. I returned to set and killed it for the remainder of the shoot.
Whenever you're stuck in the negative/fearful/insecure/worried mental cycle, start making a checklist of your own. Instead of thinking about how far away your dreams seem, thank yourself for everything you're proud of achieving. Be specific, actually list them one by one. It sounds cheesy, but do it anyway. If you feel lonely, list all the people you're grateful to have in your life. When you're late for an audition and you can't seem to find a parking spot within the same zip code, thank your car for driving you to and from every audition without breaking down. When you're annoyed because there's a certain chord on the guitar you're having trouble nailing, thank your ear for hearing the difference between a well-played chord and one that's less than perfect. Thank your fingers for trying, and for learning all the other chords you've asked of them.
Then keep working on that chord. You'll get it eventually.
Just found out that I didn't end up booking either play.
I guess it's reassuring to see that I'm definitely doing something right because both came down to me and one other girl. (Are you sensing a pattern here?) But in what can only be described as irony, the first play went with the other girl because I just looked too young and the second because I didn't quite look young enough. It's that classic story they always tell us actors to describe how arbitrary booking really is... it's just a little more annoying when it actually happens to you. In the same week.
One casting director tells you you're too tall and you turn around and another says you're too short... Or too young/too old/too hot/not hot enough... there is some random silly thing that you have no control over that will knock you out of the running at some point. It's frustrating, but it's inevitable. Still, you and I have been around the block to know that it is never about the one job. It's about getting in there and nailing it and making fans in the room.
There were seven people I made solid impressions on during the five rounds of casting I had last week, including one I've been trying to get in front of for a year. Though I'm not walking away with a role today, you bet your britches I'll be watching their next projects like a hawk for any parts that are right for me. Coming this close will definitely help me get in front of them again, and someday the part will be right for me. Stay tuned to see how it pays off down the road.
I think it's weird to know that people are talking about me right now. Well, maybe not right this exact second, but generally the last few days. There are literally teams of people on two separate projects who are mulling over Anony as the female lead in their productions. I wonder what they're saying, sitting there with my headshot in their hands...
Okay guys, stop trying to make me talk about it! Just cool it. I'm trying to focus on other things, yo!
(Clearly I'm terrible at this part.)
One of the perks about being a professional actor in Los Angeles -- and trust me, very few sentences begin with that phrase -- is that we get to see pretty much every movie for free. Something you want to see? Guaranteed that at some point there will be a screening of it somewhere in this city and all you need is your guild card to sit in the plush studio seats and enjoy. I take advantage of this perk whenever I can. I feel like it's a little restitution for all the hardship this industry puts us through.
So last night, I was trying to keep my mind off my pending auditions like a good little actor, and took a friend to see a screening of a great film that will release in a couple months. Twenty minutes into the movie, in walks a character who looks strangely familiar... the actress was my partner for one of the chemistry reads on Wednesday.
Sometimes there's no getting away from it.
Yesterday? Amazing. Filled to the brim with auditions and me just loving every minute of it. An entire day devoted to the hustle. Callbacks for great roles in great projects with great feedback. I've worked hard the last few days preparing the twenty-ish pages of material and I truly enjoyed playing with them in the audition room. No in-room anxiety about booking the jobs. Just honest-to-goodness pleasure in getting to perform them, even if it ends up being just this one time. I ended yesterday on the couch in an exhaustion coma, but with a smile on my face. That little smile you get when you're utterly content.
Enter today, and with it, the hard part. While I've already heard from one CD that my read yesterday was "terrific", no decisions have been made yet. And guess what? It's on with the hustle. It's time to let these roles go and move on to whatever is ahead. Nothing was perfect, but I felt solid and completely happy with my performances. I gave them my 100% best shot. Whatever happens next is completely out of my hands. While I feel I nailed them, would be great in each role, and being in either production could bring big opportunities my way, I cannot hang success or failure on whether I book or not. So best to put it all out of my mind and get back to the hunt for the next audition.
Like I said. This is the hard part. Way easier said written than done.
Today was one of those special days. Those days when, halfway through, I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm actually awake and not just dreaming. It was a professional actor type of day. If this career were a ship, I would have to admit that it doesn't always float along powered only by the winds of acting. I still have to get out my paddles and row with a survival job to stay afloat. For now anyway. But today was one of those glorious days that tasted of things to come. Of the times ahead when acting is all there is, days are full of auditions, and the promise of projects dance on the horizon.
First, as luck would have it, both callbacks were scheduled for nearly the exact same time this afternoon. And naturally they were on complete opposite sides of town. So last night, after some schedule scrambling with the casting directors, I was able to arrange arriving a little early to the first, and late to the second. (I also begged the LA traffic gods to be forgiving just this once.) Plus, it didn't hurt that I let it slip that both these auditions were callbacks, and both final round chemistry reads... in a town where everyone waits for someone else to take the first big risk, it never hurts to appear highly sought after.
I had a 1:00 in North Hollywood, which ran late, but the director said, "Only because I know you're short on time, we won't do the redirect, but I don't even need to see it anyway. You're so strong, I know you could handle it without any trouble."
Then I jumped in my car to zip back to the west side for callback number two. En route, I received an email from my commercial agent about an audition tomorrow. Great news, but after a little discussion we decided I wasn't quite right for it, so we passed. Flash forward four freeways and forty minutes later, my commercial agent is calling me again with questions about another project they're pitching me on. She'll update me on that soon and promises to come see me if I get one of these plays.
I finally arrive to my next callback at 2:45 and pair up with my chemistry partner. We run our scene a few times, get comfortable with each other, try to make some sort of a connection. In about fifteen minutes, this stranger and I have to stand on a stage in front of ten people (we've barely met) and make them believe we're falling in love with each other. Using the words someone else wrote. The CD prepped us a little going in and said, "I need the energy between you two to be electric up there. It has to be HOT."
Okay, sure. Yeah yeah. What was your name again? You cool if I kinda grab you at this part? I'm so sorry if I have coffee breath, I ran out of gum on the way here. It's been a long day already. But... uh... let's go get 'em, huh??
P.S. I love my job. It's 100% insane, but god I love it.
Today I had the first of two callbacks scheduled this week. It's for the title character in a great play, dark and gritty. It's at a great theatre and funded by one of the biggest houses in town. It's being cast by a CD who does a ton of indie films and my agent is ecstatic that I've made an impression. On the way out the door in a hushed voice so the next actress in wouldn't hear, the stage manger smiled and said I nailed it.
I have intel from an insider that I've made it another round. Apparently it's down to me and two other girls. The final cast to be determined after a round of chemistry reads.
I have a callback for another play on Wednesday, so this week is off to a good start....
