Monday, July 23, 2012

Avoiding A Britney Moment

I try not to live in a place of stress.  The only thing that constant worry and fear brings is more worry and fear.  Worrying about relationship problems/money problems/career problems will only send you into a downward spiral of more worry, which in turn only generates more things to worry about.  I try to remain calm when times are tough, my audition schedule is nonexistent, my wallet is lean and my dating options are sparse (I kid you not, someone actually used this pickup line on me recently: as I walk by him to get to the bar… “Well helLOOO, Missuus Wonderfuuuul…” said in the most sleezy, douchebag way.  Seriously?  On what planet is that supposed to make me swoon?  And furthermore, if you’re hitting on me, don’t call me MRS!!  Now that I mention it, I should write a series of posts on all the terrible/weird/amusing pickup lines I’ve had said to me…)

I digress.

Though I’m generally very good at preserving my inner calm in the face of the tempest that is life, the reality is… sometimes it just gets to you.  I feel like I’m behind on about every thing in my life.  My hunch is that most people feel this way at certain times, but rarely share it.  Mostly because we’re all trying to give the outward appearance of positivity and pulled-togetherness.  But sometimes life – particularly the artist kind – is just plain hard!!  So I thank you for indulging me in the emotional rant I’m about to go into that I’ve kept mostly hidden from the people in my not-so-anonymous life.

I just finished paying all my bills, which all seem outrageously more than I expected and leave very little, if anything, left in my account.  It seemed everything hit me at once: website domain needed to be renewed, all my acting account subscriptions expired at once, big auditions necessitated expensive private sessions with the coach.  These days, it just keeps feeling like there’s just not enough to go around.

I’m also in the middle of making a survival job switch, a decision I've been meaning to write about for some time now.  It’s partly exciting to have an acting career that’s taking off so much that I’m no longer able to sustain a day job as I now HAVE to keep my days open, but the other part is terrifying because I need to find an evening job that can replace my current salary, and by the looks of my Hollywood-skinny bank balance (see paragraph above)… I’m going to need something that pays more.

That coupled with the fact that I’m trying to save money for my vacation in Hawaii in October and my trip to New York to run the marathon in November.  Save??  Ha!!  I’m scrambling to have enough just to cover my own ass right now.

My car needs a little repair and I’ve been avoiding taking it to the shop out of fear of the price.  The highlights in my hair needed touching up to avoid the trailer trash roots that don’t match my headshots.  I have been in my apartment for four months already and still haven’t been able to paint the walls like I've been dying to do.  I haven’t let myself buy a new pair of shoes in what seems like a century.  (All right, it’s only been about six months… but I’m what you would call a shoe girl and amateur fashionista.  Six months is a lifetime for a shop-a-holic.)

All the while I’m slowly driving myself certifiably insane thinking about my Marlin, who I never talk to and haven’t seen since the end of May, and won’t until his next trip sometime in August…. Is he thinking of me of course he’s thinking of me otherwise he wouldn’t have kissed me like he did the last time I saw him but why haven’t I heard from him and why do I even care it’s not like we live in the same city or ever will in the foreseeable future but let’s be honest I haven’t been able to stop thinking of him for about two and a half years despite that I’ve gone on about a million dates with other guys and his friend told me he’s crazy about me too but then why haven’t I heard from him except he did send me that movie and those books with a note inscribed on the inside cover but then why didn’t he respond when I texted him to come see me before August oh god now I’m in too deep and I should just end it now because I clearly can’t keep my emotions out of it but there’s just something about the way we look at each other but who knows what he’s really thinking because we never talk about it and even if we did there would be no point because we live on opposite sides of the country and nothing can ever come of it so why am I even stressing over the ajkslkalsdjfljasdjfasaaaaaAAAAAAAGH!!!!

You think that was rough reading on my blog… try being my poor roommate.  (M, I love you and your saintly patience.)

Letting yourself get sucked into that cycle is pure madness.  (And trust me, I'm the WORST at over analyzing, so do as I say, not as I do.)  The only solution is training yourself to calm the fuck down and trust that all will be resolved in the future and now is of little consequence to the big picture.  So that’s what I’m focusing on this week.  Deep breaths and just tackling a little bit every day.  One of my favorite movies released recently was The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.  (It’s still playing in a couple theaters.  Go see it immediately.)  A main character had a mantra that has calmed me immensely over the last few weeks:

“Everything will be alright in the end.  And if it’s not alright, it’s not the end.”

*deep inhale*
*slow exhale*

Here’s to getting a little closer to the end when everything is alright.  Thank you for listening.

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