Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Shhh, Little Girl, We're Doing Just Fine

I'll admit it... I let it get to me.  I got frustrated and angry and disappointed.  In the last few weeks I've had auditions for three major indie films,  two commercials,  and was called in for three different roles on a television show.  Aside from one absolutely bombed commercial audition (worthy of it's own post), I nailed them all.  That has been my pattern.  Lately I have felt my craft and audition execution transcend to a new level truly worthy of being noticed.  My discipline, unfaltering.  My preparation, thorough.  My dedication, immovable.  My passion, ignited.  All the pieces were in place.  Everything was solid.  It was feeling like my time.  All I needed was a booking.

And I NEEDED a booking.  I wanted one so bad, I could feel it in my gut.  I was hungry for the satisfying effects of carving a notch in my belt.  The "yeah, that's right" that accompanies getting one in the bag.  I desperately longed for the phone call that could keep that nervous little girl inside me, who sometimes worries if I'm really any good at this, quiet for just a little while longer.

But no bookings came this month.  And when no bookings come, that little girl likes to start rattling off all sorts of theories and opinions.  She's not doing it to sabotage or hurt me, she's just trying to help and to protect my heart.  She doesn't know it does more harm than good.  Normally I'm able to give her a pep talk and coax her into calming down and relaxing back into this hustle of a career.  A house divided against itself will fall, so I need her on my side if we're gonna do this.  Normally, she doesn't need much reassurance, but in the last week she decided to be particularly vocal.

She so badly wanted to triumphantly declare to all my Facebook followers that one of the auditions mentioned in my many posts had paid off.  She wanted to make my mother (who's been so unwaveringly supportive) proud by giving her the chance to finally be able to brag about her successful daughter.  That girl inside of me wanted to write to the hundreds of you who so faithfully return to share in my victories.  She wanted me to be able to tell you that I'd done it, I'd finally booked my first recognizable credit.  She wanted to be able to give that to you, because she knows you're reading not just to see what happens for me... but also to be reassured yourself.  Because if it can happen to me, it can happen to you.

But mistakenly, while trying to shut her up, I shut myself up and left you for a week without word.  I'm sorry I was gone.  I should have sorted through my head noise right here with you.  It is, after all, part of the journey.  So while I don't have any booking news to share at the moment, know that if you're feeling like you have a worried inner little girl (or little boy) of your own, you're not alone.  And if you haven't heard from your inner child, trust me, you will.  This business is hard. While sharing some of this with a non-actor friend of mine, he said, "Auditioning sounds like my exact definition of hell."  Yeah, maybe on a bad day.  But on a good day... it's greater than you can possibly imagine.

So as they say across the pond, let's just..

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