A Taste of Tomorrow

Almost as quickly as it arrived, my shoot is over.  I'm trying to let go of any fear about my performance.  (And also the fear that fifty million people will see that performance.  Oh god...) I doubt it will be bad. It may just be forgettable, which is actually not a terrible worse-case scenario.  I am not pursing this career under the irrational belief that I am perfect and I doubt this will be the last time I worry about bombing. It was the best I could do in that moment. I gave it my all and that is enough for me.  Plus, I still walk away with the credit, which is actually the most important part of this entire job... picking up a recognizable film credit to inch me closer to the day when my resume gets me through casting doors.

Despite the hiccups, it was absolutely wonderful and my heart ached when I had to leave.  I ended up spending an extra day on set after I wrapped to hang out and get face-time with the crew.  I also used the opportunity to just watch the veterans and learn how they worked. Just spending time on a set that large, sitting in video village watching the shot is a front row seat to how the business really works... and how my future will look. 

This is my first studio movie and though the budget was super tight, it still felt fancy to me.  I had my own trailer. Production assistants fell all over themselves to bring me anything I wanted. The director was super attentive and instantly knew my name when I walked on set. Craft services walked around with little trays of finger food to nibble on non-stop. (I kept joking with them that I just wanted to smell it, because pigs in a blanket and quesadillas do not help an actress get the next job.) There were cameras everywhere and police with barricades to keep the prying eyes of the public out. I went out to sight-see around town and people asked to take a picture with me when they found out I was in the movie (and I said yes because I'm human and I wanted to indulge in the fantasy too.) Everything was a grand ol' production and a caravan of endless trucks, trailers, star wagons and lighting equipment.  I badly wanted to be there all day every day, leading the entire movie. 

I will someday.  And you'll have been with me every step of the way. Let's get there together.

Perfect Imperfection

I told you I'd always be honest with you. So here goes... It's not always perfect.

Sometimes it starts off rocky. While flying to location, your plane can be rerouted mid-flight. Then after you've taken off and landed two more times, finally making it to the destination, you check your email to find an updated script distributed. This email is followed by another email from the production secretary urging you to please read the updated script because your scene "has definitely changed."

That's an understatement.  Your scene is completely different. Like all the work you did to prepare doesn't really apply anymore.

Okay. No biggie. It's actually better now you have more lines so you roll with it.

Then you have to ask wardrobe for a bigger size pants because you're not a size double zero like most women in this industry, so when the PA comes around for your breakfast order, you'll just have coffee and a banana, thank you.

Then you get to set and your celebrity co-stars are all buddy buddy with each other and a bit standoff-ish and it just feels like you're the dorky 3rd wheel trying to insert yourself into their fun. (You think that's awkward in 7th grade? Try doing it as an adult when the cool kids are fucking movie stars.) But you have to for the sake of scene chemistry, so you make your best effort to not be shrinking violet or human prop and somehow manage to make a few people laugh.

Then cameras start rolling and all the words falling out of your mouth sound flat as a pancake. Then you get all in your head and actor-y and terrified that you're bombing royally.

But you know it's your job to let all that go and just do your best in that moment. So you do, and you start to have fun. You try to be at peace that it may not be your best work ever, but it is what happened today. And that's okay.

Then later, while you and the camera assistant goof around with props while more important people make decisions about the next shot, she leans over and says your work has been great. You thank her profusely and a weight lifts because oh god you needed to hear that (even though you know you shouldn't.)

Then back in your trailer at the end of the day, you call the most experienced actor you know (who also happens to be one of your closest friends and a regular on multiple shows) and he reassures you he has gone through the same thing and that there is "literally 0% chance you weren't great."

So at the end of the day, you grab a pint with the producer friend who got you the job and laugh and let it all go.

(Then later, on your anonymous blog only do you admit that before you went to sleep, you said a little prayer to all the gods you don't believe in that your friend and the camera assistant and the complimentary director were right.)

Then You Find Yourself Utterly Happy

I finally got through a busy weekend of jobby job shifts, making the extra bucks where and when I can since I will be out of town all next week to shoot the movie.

Ahhhh! I'll be out of town next week to shoot a big movie!!!

Let's just enjoy that for a moment.... Deep breath in... And out...

Damn that feels good.

Hanging out with a friend tonight, I found myself especially goofy and smiley and blissfully playful.  That's how I know I'm doing what I love: the pure and uninhibited joy that eminates from the core of my being right now because I'm about to play in front of a camera. It seeps out my pores and tickles the little patches of super sensitive skin between my toes. I love the creativity and the adventure and I even love the pressure, that demand that you do something amazing...

"Camera rolls... now action...."

Let the magic begin!

The View From Outside Your Own Head

Oh what a relief it is to have an upcoming project.  It's such a break from the ever-present anxiety of wondering if you'll ever work again.  It's tough during those long stretches when you have been working your tail off but haven't booked anything in months. It's tough inside your own head, but it especially stings when someone asks "So, anything coming up?" and you're forced to just shrug and say "Nope. Not yet" trying not to feel completely vulnerable and worthless and like you're doing it all wrong. 

Does anybody get really good at that part?  I mean, it totally bothers everyone, right? If you're not phased by that question, kudos to you brother. I have definitely gotten more confident during the non-booking stretches, more comfortable with replying "nope" without having to attach some sort of apology or excuse or explanation as to why I'm not a household name yet. But I still feel totally judged... because I am... and by people who don't have a clue as to how ridiculously hard this career is. I know I just have to stop caring and most days I do a pretty damn good job of that, but I'll be honest, some days are more difficult than others.

But then you book a big movie. A movie with a budget in the low millions. A movie that people all around the world will see. Then when people ask if you have something coming up, it is exponentially more fun to say, "Heck yeah I do!" (Added bonus that I can just say the title and people know what it is.)

With this movie booking, I started to hear something new from all my friends and family.  They're starting to say things like: 

"Wow, you're starting to take off."

"You've been busy this year." 

and "Your resume is growing so fast!"

It cracks me up because to me it feels like my resume is growing at an excruciatingly slow pace.  It still feels like I've had a very long year of almosts and close calls and looooooong stretches of no shooting. I feel tired from pouring every ounce of energy in and not really catching a decent break yet.

But if I stop myself and my self-judgy actor brain, Irealize that I have had a very respectable year. Considering two years ago I didn't have a decent credit to my name and barely any ultra-professional experience. Now I've worked on a number of indies and have a major television credit and a major film credit. (I'm also 70 pages into writing my first feature script!) It's not everything, but it's something to build upon. Definitely something to be proud of.

Let's keep building into 2015!

I Dare You to Be Great

Thank You Universe

If you're in The States, I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday last week surrounded by your loved ones!  If you're not.... I hope you were still surrounded by your loved ones!  I had a great little holiday-- or "Friendsgiving" as we hip transplants now call it--  filled with way more food than eight people could possibly consume in an entire week. It was glorious.  I took way more than my share, including two servings of pie.  Okay, three.

I didn't end up getting that movie. The one where they loved me so much that they asked me to do another tape for a major supporting role? So like, they were clearly into my work and even if I didn't get the bigger role (which I would have been a weird casting choice for anyway) I'd at least get the smaller role, right? Right??!  You would think, but no. I didn't get it.  I even got that cliche email from the producer... 

"The director really liked you but we went another way..."

Gag.

Whatever. We move on.  So I thought I'd add extra whip cream to my three servings of pumpkin pie.  We're heading into the holidays after all and this industry pretty much closes down until after the new year. I figured I was safe to overindulge drown my career sorrows in sugar and wine and carbohydrates. 

Tisk. Tisk.  This is Hollywood, Anony.  You're never safe.  

I got a phone call.  I got an offer for yet a different role. I got the movie. I'm shooting on location in the south next week. 

(!!!)

Shit.... I gotta get to the gym!!!

Did I Mention It's Never About the One Role?

When the director and producer sit down with your reel and a list of the characters in their movie and have a meeting about where they can put you... that's a good thing.  Then when you put a self-tape together for the role they picked, they see it and immediately ask for another tape, but this time for a bigger role with five scenes opposite the star of the movie... that's an even better sign.

Here's hoping they like my new tape and I land a large supporting in a headline movie backed by a major studio opposite a household name.  Wow. Didn't expect that, but I'll take it!

Cross your fingers for me!! Schedule is tight, so we should know very very very soon...