Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Sometimes It's Hard

I feel like the last four days have been a whirlwind, like I took a break from my life for a moment.  With the stress of the move, the wrap of pilot season, and a little bout of insecurity at the modesty of the gains in my career, I needed a little time to check out.  In what is perhaps a twist of fate, my Marlin was in town over the weekend.  Though I wouldn't trade any second I spent with him these last few days for all the tea in China, I look back over the weekend and my heart fills with pangs of bittersweet.  

There are very few things that get my adrenaline pumping quite like walking up to a restaurant knowing that man is inside. Aside from a number of shameless sessions of Facebook stalking (don't judge, you've done it too), I hadn't seen his face since he was in town last October, and who knows how long before that.  Still, you would have thought I was walking up to meet the President, by the 21 gun salute flip-flopping my stomach.  I won't bore you with all the details, but suffice it to say the weekend solidified my growing feelings for him and shed some light that they might actually be reciprocated (although the confirmation came from a friend, not him)... which is ultimately frustrating and painful because neither of us are willing to do anything about it. The three thousand miles between our respective hat hangers is a deal breaker for us both.

However, there was one twist that may interest you: the group of New York friends that came out with him for the weekend included a regular cast member on a very famous, long-running television show.  I've not watched it in years, so I had no idea who she was, though I started to suspect after it was casually mentioned in passing conversation a few times.   It's a tricky situation, because I was genuinely more interested in getting to know a close friend of my Marlin as a person before I got to know her as a moderately famous comedienne, so I didn't press for too many details. 

We hit it off immediately. She was incredibly sweet and I wouldn't hesitate for an instant to hang out with her again.  The only bummer was her success TOWERED over mine.  Not a bummer for her or our friendship, just for my ego.  She is rapidly becoming a brand name... and I'm still painfully anonymous.  At the dinner table, my dream man was flanked by her on the right, a hugely successful actress repped by CAA... and on the left... little ol' me.  All of a sudden, I felt feverishly inadequate and acutely aware of the vast mountain I still had in front of me. As he and I were catching up on the last six months of our lives, the baby step accomplishments that had been so exciting for me somehow seemed like fussing over nothing.  All the confidence that normally pumps through my veins retreated into hiding.  Neither of them made me feel like I was anything but included, but now that they're gone, I face a little of that actor fear.  I work so hard, I'm so talented and still I am barely moving. That, coupled with the painful swallowing of the growing passion for someone who may never be able to be a significant part of my life, has left me feeling a little blue, to say the least.  AND... I still haven't heard back on that movie audition I had last week (which my acting coach thought for sure I'd hear from them).

I know this feeling will pass and that hitting a low just means there's a high on it's way... but I wouldn't be being honest with you guys if I didn't tell you it sucks.  It so difficult to be at it so diligently for so long and still have such little to show for it, particularly when we're talking about trying to impress The Marlin. 

Well, there's nothing left to do but keep pushing forward.  So... let's do that.

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