Perfect Imperfection

I told you I'd always be honest with you. So here goes... It's not always perfect.

Sometimes it starts off rocky. While flying to location, your plane can be rerouted mid-flight. Then after you've taken off and landed two more times, finally making it to the destination, you check your email to find an updated script distributed. This email is followed by another email from the production secretary urging you to please read the updated script because your scene "has definitely changed."

That's an understatement.  Your scene is completely different. Like all the work you did to prepare doesn't really apply anymore.

Okay. No biggie. It's actually better now you have more lines so you roll with it.

Then you have to ask wardrobe for a bigger size pants because you're not a size double zero like most women in this industry, so when the PA comes around for your breakfast order, you'll just have coffee and a banana, thank you.

Then you get to set and your celebrity co-stars are all buddy buddy with each other and a bit standoff-ish and it just feels like you're the dorky 3rd wheel trying to insert yourself into their fun. (You think that's awkward in 7th grade? Try doing it as an adult when the cool kids are fucking movie stars.) But you have to for the sake of scene chemistry, so you make your best effort to not be shrinking violet or human prop and somehow manage to make a few people laugh.

Then cameras start rolling and all the words falling out of your mouth sound flat as a pancake. Then you get all in your head and actor-y and terrified that you're bombing royally.

But you know it's your job to let all that go and just do your best in that moment. So you do, and you start to have fun. You try to be at peace that it may not be your best work ever, but it is what happened today. And that's okay.

Then later, while you and the camera assistant goof around with props while more important people make decisions about the next shot, she leans over and says your work has been great. You thank her profusely and a weight lifts because oh god you needed to hear that (even though you know you shouldn't.)

Then back in your trailer at the end of the day, you call the most experienced actor you know (who also happens to be one of your closest friends and a regular on multiple shows) and he reassures you he has gone through the same thing and that there is "literally 0% chance you weren't great."

So at the end of the day, you grab a pint with the producer friend who got you the job and laugh and let it all go.

(Then later, on your anonymous blog only do you admit that before you went to sleep, you said a little prayer to all the gods you don't believe in that your friend and the camera assistant and the complimentary director were right.)