The View From Outside Your Own Head

Oh what a relief it is to have an upcoming project.  It's such a break from the ever-present anxiety of wondering if you'll ever work again.  It's tough during those long stretches when you have been working your tail off but haven't booked anything in months. It's tough inside your own head, but it especially stings when someone asks "So, anything coming up?" and you're forced to just shrug and say "Nope. Not yet" trying not to feel completely vulnerable and worthless and like you're doing it all wrong. 

Does anybody get really good at that part?  I mean, it totally bothers everyone, right? If you're not phased by that question, kudos to you brother. I have definitely gotten more confident during the non-booking stretches, more comfortable with replying "nope" without having to attach some sort of apology or excuse or explanation as to why I'm not a household name yet. But I still feel totally judged... because I am... and by people who don't have a clue as to how ridiculously hard this career is. I know I just have to stop caring and most days I do a pretty damn good job of that, but I'll be honest, some days are more difficult than others.

But then you book a big movie. A movie with a budget in the low millions. A movie that people all around the world will see. Then when people ask if you have something coming up, it is exponentially more fun to say, "Heck yeah I do!" (Added bonus that I can just say the title and people know what it is.)

With this movie booking, I started to hear something new from all my friends and family.  They're starting to say things like: 

"Wow, you're starting to take off."

"You've been busy this year." 

and "Your resume is growing so fast!"

It cracks me up because to me it feels like my resume is growing at an excruciatingly slow pace.  It still feels like I've had a very long year of almosts and close calls and looooooong stretches of no shooting. I feel tired from pouring every ounce of energy in and not really catching a decent break yet.

But if I stop myself and my self-judgy actor brain, Irealize that I have had a very respectable year. Considering two years ago I didn't have a decent credit to my name and barely any ultra-professional experience. Now I've worked on a number of indies and have a major television credit and a major film credit. (I'm also 70 pages into writing my first feature script!) It's not everything, but it's something to build upon. Definitely something to be proud of.

Let's keep building into 2015!