I Want A Golden Egg

Funny story. 

Remember how I told you I've been working hard researching shows, updating my LIST? Well I sure am paying for it today. Normally I'm really conscious of my posture, but I let myself hunch over the computer yesterday. Woke up this morning with a little tinge in my back, thought, "Meh, nothing a little yoga can't work out."

Well, somewhere in my sun salutations, I made it worse. Now I'm stuck on the couch. A bump in a log with back pain. 

I was still on the couch when my CSA box arrived tonight. Don't know what CSA is? It's community supported agriculture. Basically, it's funding a farm and sharing the harvest with all the other members. You really should check it out... it's sustainable, generally more humane and we get this fun newsletter from our farmers where they tell us how planting is going and how we should use all those heirloom tomatoes that arrived this week.

Healthy eating is incredibly important to me. (And I'll say it. It's important for the career too.) I'm a huge supporter of eating locally grown, in-season and organic food that travels from farm to table in as little a time as possible.  I realize we're pretty spoiled here in California, but it's one of the best places to be a locavore.  My roommate and I split a box with a variety of fresh produce delivered to our doorstep every week. It's uuumazing. It feels a little pretentious, but it's actually incredibly affordable and soooooo good for you. And for the farmers. And for the chickens.

Begawk!? Did I say chickens? Yes I did. I'm a vegetarian, but I do eat eggs. In fact, my roomie and I go through them faster than any hen should be forced to maintain. We're pretty big on organic and cage-free too. But we all know (or should) that "cage-free" is marketing spin for, "out of a the wire thing, but crammed three deep on a small wharehouse floor but it's okay go ahead and buy us anyway!!!!!"

So we broke down and added a dozen "pasture-raised" eggs to this week's box.

For eight fucking dollars.

...

Let me repeat that... Eight dollars for one dozen eggs. Mel's Diner probably sells two eggs sunnyside up for a dollar-fifty and still turns a profit, labor costs included.  Eight dollars, oof that's painful. That better be a fucking tasty scramble if the hens got to frolic around the orchard while I'm stuck here on the couch with a jacked-up back after too many hours hustling this crazy career that makes laying an egg seem like child's play. I'm a starving actor, after all!! Ughhh life is so hard... why can't I just be successful enough that I don't even flinch at dropping eight bucks on "fancy" eggs?!?!!! (Even though it's less about being fancy than it's the right thing to do for the chickens. THINK OF THE CHICKENS!!!)

Then I remember: every week a box of beautiful organic produce magically appears on my doorstep in my fancy zip code with my flat screen tv and a water filter on my shower and I remind myself to shut the hell up because I have it pretty good.

And so should the chickens. Let them have their orchard-napping and dust-bathing (which sounds totally counter-productive if you ask me, but you know... to each his own.) Thank you happy hens, for providing a happy breakfast for this grateful artist.  I am forever in your debt.




(But seriously.  Eight dollars??!!)

THE LIST (my episodic season bible)

Welcome back to episodic season!!  Most of the offices are coming back from summer hiatus and television production is picking up.  When television production picks up, so does the need for actors!! (Funny how that works, huh?) 

 I've just spent the last, oohhhh... seven hours updating my LIST.  What "LIST", you ask?  The one that is my bible when courting hunting the ever elusive CD who should be calling me into his/her office.  I've been looking up the status of all the shows I have my eye on, keeping track of what's been renewed for another season and what got the boot.  This is also the time of year the brand-spanking new pilots sink or swim, so I'm researching what's been ordered to series and what each show is about, reading the scripts when necessary.  (I kind of also play a little game with myself to see if I can guess which shows will be canceled first.  Oh god, I'm such a nerd.)

Why do all this?  Because there are hundreds of casting directors in this town and it's impossible to keep up with them all.  I neither have the time, the money nor the emotional stamina to go for everyone all at once.  Instead, I select a smaller, more manageable amount based on a few criteria.  (I like giving you criteria lists, apparently.)  These are:

• They are casting a TV show that is likely to bring in a lot of guest stars and co stars from episode to episode.
• These new roles are likely to be my type. (Do determine this, I have to do a little Sherlock work:  Where is the show set?  What's it's premise?  Will they only need hunchback men who speak Pig-Latin?  Then hustling that show is probably not an efficient use of my time.)
• Bonus points if the casting director casts a bunch of different shows... I may or may not be right for every one of them, but sheer volume adds to their LIST value.
• The show needs to be cast primarily out of Los Angeles.  There are some shows I love and would like to hustle, but they're pretty much cast out of New York or Atlanta. These shows are an uphill battle on all levels if you're forced to put your out-of-town self-tapes up against in-the-room local hires.
• I often watch upfront promos in order to get a feel for the new shows that haven't aired yet.  To be included on my LIST, a show should have the right tone and style for me and my strengths.  This is more ambiguous criteria and somewhat of a gut feeling.  Also, sometimes I just deny a show the privilege of being on my LIST if it just sounds stupid.  (Hey, there are hundreds of shows currently in production.  I make cuts however I can.)

I also look at my current list from the last quarter and decide which CDs stay and which seem to be a waste of my time.  If I'm getting no movement from that office over a long period of time and I'm losing interest in chasing them... NEXT!  (It's kind of like dating.  If I've called your sweet ass multiple times and you've never even winked back at me... I'm on to the next one, baby!!)

So anyway, I got my "more manageable" list... 53 CDs, 30 offices.  I have been working on this tirelessly for a couple days, but now I'm finished!!  It's a lot of work upfront, but it saves me tons of time and money (and sanity) throughout the year. Now I'm ready to hit this episodic season like a chubby kid doing a belly flop at the local pool...

Imma make a biiiiiig splash!!

A Quick Update

Hello Everyone!

It has been a busy couple of weeks.  I've had a lot of work shifts, which is good because rent is due tomorrow and baby needs some cashy. Even better, residuals for my TV episode have started coming in... woot woot!!  I love getting unexpected checks in the mail.  It may be one of the greatest things about this career.  It's like Christmas or your birthday when you get cards with unexpected checks from your relatives.  But let's be honest... my great grandmother's cousin never sent me a check like this one, baby!

It may seem quiet, but there is all sorts of stuff to share...including reworking my entire team of reps, didn't book a movie (womp womp), but booked another movie (huzzah!), interning at a big casting office, writing, working out and all the other insane nonsense that comes with building this crazy empire.

I'll tell you all the down and dirty details of it all soon, but right now I have to hit my yoga mat before I head to work.  (Man, I cannot WAIT for the day when I don't have to maintain a side job to support this dream.  It really is a pain in the ass.  Just sayin' Universe.  Wanna take care of that??  Like soon??)

Until then, keep on dreamin' on folks!!

Yours,
Anony

Anonymous Publicist

So far this publicity thing is going well, I guess.  Much like watching the breakdowns, it's watching a constant stream of event press releases for ones that fit a certain criteria.  My basic requirements at the moment are events that: 

• A) I can get into, 
• B) have media attention so someone will actually see me and, 
• C) I can get into.

My first impression?  There's a hell of a lot of stuff going on in Los Angeles.  Every day.  I'm talking 3-6 events a night to choose from.  Granted, not all of them fit the above criteria (namely A and C), but we're certainly not lacking in opportunity.

Still, I'm trying.  I'm getting my sea legs in this whole process since I am not working with a publicist.  Normally they would be doing this pitching business and just tell me what they got me into.  It feels a little wannabe to be asking for myself.  (And god knows I'm not getting myself any free clothes at this point.)

"Hi, my name is Anony and I'm an up-and-coming actress"..... blah blah blah, blatant self-promotion... add a little wit... include a picture so they can see I'm actually professional (and not half bad looking)... close with some sort of a well-crafted reason why I would "just love" to attend the event -- carefully omitting that I want to go to toot my own horn -- and viola!  There's my pitch email.  

So far I've gotten a few good responses from publicists I thought would totally ignore me.  I have one charity event confirmed and I'm wait-listed for another small premiere.  I don't know if "wait-listed" is just a standard euphemism for "no", but I guess we shall find out.  Much like auditioning and every other part of this business, it feels awkward at first but I'm sure it will become less so as we go along.  I've already recruited a friend to pretend to be my publicist down the road if it becomes necessary, but or now, I'll see where this gets me.  

Never a dull moment in this career path, that's for sure!

Smoke and Mirrors

"Anony, Anony! Look over here!"

"Anony, one more shot please."

"What will we see you in next, Anony?"

"Anony, do you have any charities that you're currently supporting?"

I am surrounded by chaos.  Cameras flash in my eyes and microphones are shoved up to my mouth.  I am praying to every god that has ever been invented that I don't look, sound or even smell like the terrified amateur that I am.  Ah man, do you think they've picked up on my lip quivering from too much uneasy smiling??  Oh shit, can they sense how totally awkward my hands feel??  Where do I stand next?  What the hell am I supposed to say???

Okay.  Rewind.  Backstory...

My agent and I have decided I need to play the Hollywood game a little more.  Or to be more precise, that I need to start playing the Hollywood game.  Up to this point, I've just been hustling the Hollywood business... the auditions, the mailings, the workshops... you know, the typical stuff.  Now it's time for me to start playing the game, bending the rules, fudging the details, adding a little smoke and mirrors to get a little (totally fabricated) heat on me. 

Yes.  Publicity. I'm hitting the publicity circuit and getting seen.   The details don't really matter, I just have to get out there and act like I'm the next hot thing in town.  All your favorite celebs do it, and all the people you've seen here and there (but have no idea what their actual names are) are out there doing the same thing.  (Only a lot of them are doing it with publicists. A luxury with a three-thousand-dollar-a-month price tag I don't yet have.)  Still, I was blessed with an ability to work any room and bullshit my way in (and out of) most anything.

So I found myself on the red carpet last week for a premiere for a shitty little indie film.  I've been on carpets before, but never quite like this.  Mostly I just walk by, have a friend snap a shot and move on without anyone really noticing I'm there.  This time I was announced.  I had ten or so photographers taking pictures of me (awkwardly) posing on the carpet.  I had multiple people interview me, which is weird because I was not in any way connected to the film.  Why am I here? Why am I seeing this film?  Uhhh... because I'm trying to get you people to notice me?!?  

I was a liiiiittle more suave than that.  After I got the first few awkward jitters out of me and saw the mechanics of how the whole process worked, I instantly relaxed into what comes incredibly naturally to me... being positive, witty and charming in the spotlight.  Fortunately, I am pretty quick on my feet and know how to put a decent sound bite together.  (I am a writer, as you know.)  I walked away at the end of the night filled with this incredible sense of energy.  I was a natural.  I wanted more.  I was born to do this shit!! (How cheesy am I?!?)  However, I certainly learned a few things:  

Publicity lesson #1: Always research everything you possibly can about the movie you're attending and the context in which it was filmed... oh, and formulate some sort of a positive opinion on the film and its message.  Good to have that in your back pocket going in because someone will ask you and "because my publicist sent me" is not a good answer.

You've heard it before, perception is everything in this business.  Once people start noticing you consistently around town, they start to feel like they should know who you are.  That's the game.  If I can fake my way into being someone worth noticing, people will start to notice.  But you know what I realized?  I AM someone worth noticing, so I'm not really faking anything.  I'm just nudging them into picking up on something they would have realized themselves eventually anyway. 

The truth? I have no idea if this will actually work.  It definitely feels early to me and incredibly phony.  I don't totally understand how it translates into more auditions, but my agent is convinced it will help, and I'm game for trying most anything to get this career off the ground.  As far as I'm concerned, I'm just adding a new element to my hustle.  

The most entertaining thing?  In faking my way on the carpet, I ended up hanging with a group of actors who do this regularly. We were chatting together  before the film started, away from the news people and rolling cameras.  Two of them also had no connection to the film but were just there to "support it"... translation: "my publicist sent me."  Two others openly admitted they knew the movie sucked and had no idea what it's shitty message was, but they faked their way through the interviews as well.  After that, I didn't feel like such a phony.  It's a game.  And I'm finally in it.

Bad Scripts and Botox

I have my sides for an audition and I've been putting it off for a couple days.  I don't like the script.  It's a badly written, stereotypical B-movie with D-list stars and a lame premise.  My character is stupid and the dialog is just terrible.

Aaaand my character is mid thirties.  Mid-thirties?!?  Hey, I know I get older each year, and there are definitely some things I've aged out of... but I'm pretty certain my twenties is not one of them.  I told my agent that I pouted for a half day about being called in as a mid-thirties woman.  He said, "When breakdowns are slow, you have to stretch.  Remember, you're an actor.  Better than a one-line 25 year old."

*sigh*

True.  And who am I kidding?  I'm still scrambling up this mountain of a career.  I shouldn't be snubbing my nose at a film with a cool $1-2 mill budget and guaranteed theatrical release.  Even if the script is a pile of shit.  (And it really is.)

Okaaay.  I guess I'll go learn my lines.  I can't wait for the day when I will be allowed to laugh when garbage like this gets sent to me.  I look forward to the day when I can politely say, "hell no!!"

Until then, we'll take what comes our way.  My agent later said, "Plus, 40 year olds still play 20s. Attitude is everything.  Well... Botox for some."

Thankfully, neither of us think I am remotely close to thinking about Botox.

The Show Must Go On

Somewhere a camera starts rolling.  Somewhere a stage awaits.  Somewhere a mark is just waiting to be hit.  Lines are itching to be learned.  The show must and always will go on.  So must my career. 

You may have noticed, I took a breather.  A little vacation.  I always think I should let you know when I'm about to do that because you keep coming back here even when I'm not writing.  But some of the fun is not knowing, right?  Right?? 

I wish I were the type of girl who's so together that I could know exactly when I'm about to hit burnout mode and politely tell all my friends/family/readers that I am about to go off the grid for a stretch.  I wish I were so together that I could look at my calendar and think, "Okay, here's where I'm going to need to take a month to just clear the Hollywood fog out of my brain," and schedule it in like a boss.  I bet Gweneth Paltrow is that together.

Sadly, I'm not that together girl.  Sometimes I don't know I'm headed for a mental vacation until I'm three days into a carb and netflix binge that ends with me getting in my car and driving up the PCH until the sun goes down.  I blame it on my creative nature.  I blame it on my obsessive nature.  I blame it on my ambition that sometimes drives me into the ground. I blame it on the brutality of this business.  It's okay though, all that actually makes me stronger and drives me forward.  Also, I know you'll be okay.  Because you know I'll always come back.  I'll always find my way back to these keys to keep telling you about this crazy ride into a career on the big screen.

Fair warning for next year: this time of year is sort of check-out time anyway.  Episodic season wraps in May.  Summer features are often cast by then too.  Most of the overworked, underpaid, under-appreciated people in this industry are fed up with each other and check out during the early summer months.  I'm no different.  After having nearly landed my first pilot, after having gotten close-but-no-cigar on half a dozen shows and movies, after abruptly losing my closest agent, I just needed a Break-with-a-capital-B.  

So I took one.  I hiked.  I traveled.  I painted.  I drew.  I sang.  I wrote.  I read.  I sewed.  I yoga-ed.  I wine-ed.  I dined.  I needed to create a bunch of art for the sake of creating art and without needing permission from a CD or a producer to do it.  I needed to play just to play.  I needed to live just to live, laugh just to laugh and love just to love.   I took a royal leave from this unending, often unrewarding grind.  I clearly needed it, and should have done it way sooner.  It took me a little longer than it should have re-ignite my motivation, but we got 'er restarted.  We're back in business baby.  And we're poised for one helluva ride this year.  

Stay tuned... much to share...